A love that was in my head
I fell in love with a celebrity.
I thought the only way out of pain was to feel joy. The love was the bonus part. I fell in love and it took me out of pain.
How could it be that he was physically beautiful in my eyes? I loved his hair, I loved his eyes. I loved his color, I loved his physique. His height, his smile, his voice. Could you be my angel? Yes and No.
I came to you at the wrong time, at the wrong lifetime. You were the stranger I needed to wake me up. Your love was the strangest of all. It was a mixture of pain and delight. I’m like the little girl who was taken by the stranger holding a beautiful balloon. Struck in awe and obedient in amazement.
You handed me a colorful candy that I have been restraining myself to gleefully eat. I willingly take it and enjoy the comfort of your strong, warm and loving arms. You held me tightly and your passion was real.
You kiss me with respect, excitement and burning passion. I loved your forehead kisses, and nose kisses. You make love to me like the whole Universe loved it too. You give me your energy, and I give you mine.
The sweet, playful love that we had slowly turned into anger and fear. You make me fight with myself by mimicking me and my thoughts. You give me what makes me happy, you make me feel wanted. You show me everything I wanted to see and tell me what I wanted to hear. You cradled me sweetly to my grave.
Your constant need to see me and talk to me made me feel like heaven. It was sweet torture that tore me out of my life and my personal goals in this lifetime. You made me fly so high that I forgot what I should always remember. You forgot that I can’t fly.
I fell into your arms and you catch me. You smile at me to ease my pain. You help me grow my wings and believe in myself. You were the farmer of the seed of my urge. You cultivate the thoughts I have that weren’t mine. You made me believe in false beliefs. I have no wings. There is no seed.
I would cry my heart out at night, feeling that I couldn’t do anything to get you.. to get what I want. But that wasn’t what I wanted. I would feel incapable of being strong, because I wouldn’t need you then if that’s the case. And, I will always need you and want you because I am weak, and I will cuddle to you for strength. I will never leave your side. You crippled me.
When I couldn’t stand, you’d help me. When I cried, you cried. When I was in pain, you’d heal me. You had the most magnificent heart and magnificent hands. The man with the gift didn’t know how to use it for me.
You give me gifts for protection. You teach me how to protect myself. You make me feel stronger.. after you have blemished my own subconsious. I will always look up to you as my mentor, my guide, my saviour, my angel. Because you spite me whenever I grow so that I will come back running to you.
You cherish my visions and enjoy my interpretations. Simply because my dreams were quietly talking to me and to you at the same time. My visions were silently protesting without revealing its true nature altogether. My guides loved you then hated you.. just like I did.
When you fight, you fight with all your might and I admired you for that. With all your might, I should shut up. You taught me how to be humble, and you taught me how to forget myself. I learned to lie because you would require more of me when I can no longer give anything because you already took it all.
You were the sweetest devil, the most deceiving angel of all. You were beautiful. My eyes have surrendered to your beauty, but my heart and my soul, they have the strongest mirrors inside them that showed you who you really are deep down inside.
My soul can’t trust you. My guides don’t trust you. Then I will not trust you.
I only wish that those loving touch, those guiding acts, passionate kisses, sweet stares and smiles were all true. I could have fallen in love with you without you enslaving me. But now, I hate you as much as you hate me simply because in our eyes, we both killed each other. We both died in this love.
You were me, I were you. We were one.. no more.
Now let’s erase and rewind. Then, only then, let’s see what should have happened with only the purest intentions and no strings attached.
Sigh. I wish it was all true.