The real deal

28th Dec 2009 by Chris

PS: Don’t start reading if you don’t have time or patience.

Yesterday, I thought about all the horrors that went past in my life.  The most recent one happened to be just 4 months ago.  I’m awake, am I not?  It certainly feels like I’m inside a dream.. a very lucid nightmare.

Four months ago, I thought I was watching myself inside a dramatic soap opera.  I swear I memorized my lines and rehearsed over and over again, but the scenes were real and the filming was once in a lifetime.  The lines are simple.  The scenes are plain and uncomplicated.  Yet I cannot move to speak.  All I did was cry.  Cry.  No cursing, no doubting, no blaming–only crying.

I remembering standing shakily infront of the crematorium, holding the custom-made candles for that special day that was no more.  The candle that was to bear witness to an oath of forever love was then a witness of the pain of losing tomorrow.  The beautiful beads no longer reminded me of small joys and details to be made history on that special day.  I bring home the used candle, hoping that the beads could somehow leap into the air and burst into bouts of joy and lighten me up.. but no.  Instead, they reminded me of the tears that I have welled up and formed together into that shiny old rose design. more…