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The real deal

28th Dec 2009 by Chris

PS: Don’t start reading if you don’t have time or patience.

Yesterday, I thought about all the horrors that went past in my life. The most recent one happened to be just 4 months ago. I’m awake, am I not? It certainly feels like I’m inside a dream.. a very lucid nightmare.

Four months ago, I thought I was watching myself inside a dramatic soap opera. I swear I memorized my lines and rehearsed over and over again, but the scenes were real and the filming was once in a lifetime. The lines are simple. The scenes are plain and uncomplicated. Yet I cannot move to speak. All I did was cry. Cry. No cursing, no doubting, no blaming–only crying.

I remembering standing shakily infront of the crematorium, holding the custom-made candles for that special day that was no more. The candle that was to bear witness to an oath of forever love was then a witness of the pain of losing tomorrow. The beautiful beads no longer reminded me of small joys and details to be made history on that special day. I bring home the used candle, hoping that the beads could somehow leap into the air and burst into bouts of joy and lighten me up.. but no. Instead, they reminded me of the tears that I have welled up and formed together into that shiny old rose design. more…

Category: About me, Faith, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life, Stories to share Tags: beloved, candle, Christmas, Crying, future, goodbye, loss, New Year, pain, past, prayer, resolution, Simbang Gabi Leave a Comment

I hear you.. I feel you.

5th Nov 2009 by Chris

You know I want it too, but its no longer possible. We both know what’s best for both of us. Let us go through this like we should. Just to let you know.. I hear you. I feel you. Let me slip back to reality for awhile and cry my heart out of pain.

Category: Cool Finds, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life Tags: Human Interest, Jim Zwerg, pain, The Columbia Years 1943–1952: The Complete Recordings Leave a Comment

Fight for it!

4th Nov 2009 by Chris

The soul has become more precious

Category: About me, Faith, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo Tags: Precious, soul Leave a Comment

I finally understand pain

2nd Nov 2009 by Chris

I literally walked up to pain’s front door. Knocked at it and waited till it welcomed me inside. I had a nice chat with it and then I went out. Promised to come back again when I forget.

I know I must be stupid. But I am only human. To be able to understand what it is to be more than human, you must first become human. You need to understand what pain is all about. Just like death is not the end, so is pain. Its only a beginning. more…

Category: Faith, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life Tags: authority, awakening, belief, goal, god, happiness, Living Life, pain, religion Leave a Comment

Song for you

30th Oct 2009 by Chris

When JP died, at the funeraria, I was sending messages to some of his friends and officemates to inform them that he has just passed away. I was sitting at the office when I felt him beside me. I was sitting in a sofa for two. To my left, he sat and I felt him warmly sitting beside me.

Before, it was awfully quiet. Just me and my sobs, when suddenly, there was music. And this was the first music that played. I could almost hear him singing it out to me that time. And now that I am suddenly awakened, there are messages from him. I get it all the time. more…

Category: John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life, Music Tags: artist, Bobby Robinson, Chicago, Entertainment_Culture, Frank Sinatra discography, Human Interest, Illinois, United States 2 Comments

I wish to be able to smile like this again someday

14th Oct 2009 by Chris

I wish to be able to smile like this again someday

Category: John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life, wordless wednesday Tags: happy, JP Tolledo, love, smile One Comment

Life is beautiful

13th Oct 2009 by Chris

For every turn, every second, every moment of one’s life is a meaning.. a purpose. That’s what I’m out to find out. I want every part of the puzzle of my life. I want the big picture. I want to know what life is for me. More soul searching for me now..

I have to move on with my life. The business of life is to move forward. Hard to face, hard to accept but this is the real truth that you can hold on to (aside from God).

I’ve been seeing several counselors already. Some are religiously inclined, asking me to come to God and not hate him. But do I have to hear them out? Even if I DON’T HATE GOD? I love HIM. I am thankful for everything that happens to me, for I am a person without regret. True that I ask why He took JP away from me. The answer is quite easy. I even heard it from JP himself. I don’t have to question Him anymore, although I had to falter quite often and keep asking the same question over and over again. more…

Category: Faith, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo, Living Life Tags: beautiful, belief, doubts, god, JP Tolledo, liberate, live, Living Life, pains, question, religion, smile Leave a Comment

Prayer to Saint Jude

11th Oct 2009 by Chris

Most Holy Apostle St. Jude,

faithful servant and friend of Jesus, this Church honours and invokes you universally as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations and sufferings, particularly in honoring and putting into action what my departed hubby JP Tolledo wants for me to accomplish for myself, for my own benefit despite the fact that it goes against my own desires; and that I may praise God wit you my special and powerful patron, and to greatfuly encourage devotion to you,

Amen.

Category: Faith, John "Honey ko" Paul Tolledo Tags: assistance, consolation, desire, god, JP Tolledo, patron, prayer, religion, suffering Leave a Comment

Talking to me in a song

11th Oct 2009 by Chris

Who is aware that I am psychic? I guess not most. Not everybody believes so too.

I asked what he wants me to do. He’s told me in my dreams, but I do not accept it. He wants me to be free. I am chaining myself down. How can I do it? I don’t want to forget. I feel heavy of loneliness. I feel like bending my own fate. He answers:

more…