The lessons we can’t deny

I’ve been through many ups and downs.  But I can say I’ve never been to so much pain and crying in my life as I have experienced in the last six months of my life.  I don’t ever want to go back and reminisce any of them anymore.  With all these things, its still undeniable that things happen for a reason.  If there is just one thing I could ever believe in, there are things in life that we do not choose for ourselves, but they do happen nonetheless, and somehow, even if you run away from them, they have a way of finding themselves back to you until you take it.   more…

Finding wonderland

I wake up in the middle of nowhere.  I feel the first gasp of air reach my lungs.  My eyes are wide open and I gather my senses.  My gaze reaches up the sky.  I see a portion of it.  The rest are covered with the grand pose of tall majestic old trees.  It could be around 10 in the morning.  The sun does not reach me at all, yet its not dark.  I feel the thick heavy heap of autumn-colored leaves cushioning my back.  I make an assessment of my current situation.  Am I hurt?  Am I even alive?

I struggle to sit myself.  I make a slow progress of it.  My body seems badly beaten.  I touch my face.  My body is covered in sweat.  Where have I been?  What have I done?  Am I even still myself?  Now that I’m seated, I bend my body to take a quick glance of my surrounding.  Its an awfully quiet place.  I’m in the middle of the forest.  Why?  How did I get here?

I look down and see myself wearing a slick pair of dark blue jeans.  I’m wearing a brown ladies’ leather jacket.  My hair is curly.  I look at my hands and they were white.  I wish I had a mirror.  I touch my face.  Its cold and sweaty.  Sweat was pouring from my head like I’ve been rained down.. and yet the whole place is dry.  In fact, it was even windy.  How ever did I get here? more…

The first thing that made me smile today

I left the house wishing the Universe wouldn’t let me wait long for a cab to arrive.  I woke up sluggish because it was cold and definitely a “bed” weather! I was surprised I didn’t have to stand longer than 3 minutes! I hailed a cab that was coming out of nowhere and without a passenger.. seemingly my ride to Ortigas.

It was a fairly old cab, definitely not the new classy Toyota Vios cabs but it was comfy.  The cab was quiet and was playing a soothing love song collection.  The cab driver wore a huge Ray-ban sunglass of dark greenish-brown tint.  Reminds of classic retro movies’ badass guys.  I sat at the rear seat of the cab, staring at the back of his head.  I picture that the only thing missing in the scene was a huge tobacco in his mouth. more…

The real deal

PS: Don’t start reading if you don’t have time or patience.

Yesterday, I thought about all the horrors that went past in my life.  The most recent one happened to be just 4 months ago.  I’m awake, am I not?  It certainly feels like I’m inside a dream.. a very lucid nightmare.

Four months ago, I thought I was watching myself inside a dramatic soap opera.  I swear I memorized my lines and rehearsed over and over again, but the scenes were real and the filming was once in a lifetime.  The lines are simple.  The scenes are plain and uncomplicated.  Yet I cannot move to speak.  All I did was cry.  Cry.  No cursing, no doubting, no blaming–only crying.

I remembering standing shakily infront of the crematorium, holding the custom-made candles for that special day that was no more.  The candle that was to bear witness to an oath of forever love was then a witness of the pain of losing tomorrow.  The beautiful beads no longer reminded me of small joys and details to be made history on that special day.  I bring home the used candle, hoping that the beads could somehow leap into the air and burst into bouts of joy and lighten me up.. but no.  Instead, they reminded me of the tears that I have welled up and formed together into that shiny old rose design. more…

My Xmas confessions

Christmas is not very much my favorite season.  Its the coldest though even without rains, that’s one main reason why I like it.  They say its the season made for kids and those young at heart.  I say its not made for me.

My birthday falls within this holiday season, yet I never felt like merry making.  I don’t really like people greeting me on my birthday, but I appreciate them nonetheless.  I guess its just a preference.  I don’t want to speculate for the reasons why I am this way but for the sake of argument and thought sharing, I’d love to spill some things out. more…

A love that was in my head

I fell in love with a celebrity.

I thought the only way out of pain was to feel joy.  The love was the bonus part.  I fell in love and it took me out of pain.

How could it be that he was physically beautiful in my eyes?  I loved his hair, I loved his eyes.  I loved his color, I loved his physique.  His height, his smile, his voice.  :)   Could you be my angel?  Yes and No.

I came to you at the wrong time, at the wrong lifetime.  You were the stranger I needed to wake me up.  Your love was the strangest of all.  It was a mixture of pain and delight.  I’m like the little girl who was taken by the stranger holding a beautiful balloon.  Struck in awe and obedient in amazement.  more…

Not just another dream

I sought for an answer, the Universe speaks in a language I would understand, but know a little later.  I am a dreamer, and this is a gift.. one of my gifts.

Night after night, passing up the chance to sleep with the aid of science, my gift takes me places and the Universe spills its message to me gently.   I see only a series of two positions.  Emotions and vivid surroundings and symbols that had plenty of meaning to me now.. now that I have awakened.

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Ondoy is a disastrous distraction

Friday night, September 25, I slept at around 5am.  Still crying as usual.  Its almost my honey’s 40 days and I haven’t coped yet.  Mama woke me up at around 9am.  She said we should pack up because the water was rising.  Sure enough I didn’t have to panic.  Its been more than 40years since it last flooded here (or so she says). more…

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A piercing goodbye letter

I started reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife” a little before my honey got sick.  I have been reading it and telling him this story while he was in the hospital.  I got to the point when Henry learned he died shortly before my honey passed away.  And then I read this goodbye letter a week after my honey has been put in his columbary.  I read this now, knowing that if he had been able to tell me a lot before he died, he would have said almost the same things (in italic). more…